How to Avoid the Drama Trap: Discover the Joy of Drama-Free Personal & Professional Relationships
Watch Here LIVE on Wednesday, March 28th at 5pm PT | 6pm MT | 7pm CT | 8pm ET
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Live Video Call and Q&A with Fleet MaullKaleigh Isaacs2018-03-28T17:47:40-06:00
Good Day,
Bless you’ll we are very grateful & thankful for sharing 🙂
Miss Shambhala.
Drama enriches life. Drama gives structures for our emotions that we have repressed or split off.
This splitting off shows that the P-R-V positions are Doubles.
Doubles are uncanny.
Drama stimulates us by challenge of Return to difficulties we have forgotten.
Could you repeat 2 and 3 I got use our voice and make a boundrey
I’m simply frustrated and saddened to see how quickly family dynamics can spiral out of control. Just looking for a little insight (hope).
I am from portland oregon I am greatful to have had the oportunity to hear you speak on radical responsibility. it has helped me by confirming my feelings on racism , i feel that even though know that it exist I take the responsibility of not being a victim, but focusing on what I can do to to help others of all races and sexes. thank you.
thank you for this very useful teaching.. and thank you for sharing from your own life, truly appreciate your vulnerability..
Thank you for organizing these wonderful progrsms. I am from and in Iran, I signed in but wasn’t able to see the program, would it be possible for me to have access to that program now or later on!
Very helpful ! Took a lot from this talk!
Thank you Fleet and Kaleigh, listening from Antigua in the Caribbean..looking forward to tomorrow and seeing this process in action with new eyes… the study of Karma has really helped me to take responsibility for everything that happens in my life
don’t see where to sign up
and probably will need scholarship to do it
and please contact me by email thanks
Thank you for the wonderful talk, Acharya! And thank you Kaylie for hosting it!
You are very welcome!
I have questions about the 8 week course. Are there ICF-approved CEUs available? Also, will this prepare me to use what I’ve learned with clients? Is there a certification that I can earn by taking this course?
Hi Ellen,
Unfortunately, we are not set up to offer CEU’s for the online course yet, but that is something we are working on. The course will certainly provide you with skills and distinctions you can employ with and share with your clients. We are not yet offering a certification in the Radical Responsibility model, but that also is in the works. I will be offering a live Radical Responsibility training at the Copper Beach retreat center near Hartford, CT, February 8 – 9, where CEU’s will be offered. Please stay and touch as we develop this further. My book, Radical Responsibility: How to Move Beyond Blame, Fearlessly Live Your Highest Purpose and Become an Unstoppable Force for Good, will be published by Sounds True in March 2019; so we are working on developing things like CEU’s and certification. Thank you.
http://www.fleetmaull.com
Thank you!
Thank you so much! I will try it. Excellent suggestions
I’m in the process of distancing myself from relationships to certain family members who are not healthy relationships for me. I do not even want to communicate with them about “why” I’m choosing to distance myself from them because I know it would create major drama and that no amount of communication would be helpful or resolve anything. I’m choosing not to expend my time and energy on trying to explain my choices and behavior (withdrawing) to them. What do you think about this?
Some times we need to make boundaries, even with family members. If you can do so, while somehow finding a way to keep your heart open to seeing their suffering and humanity even while keeping a firm boundary of no contact, you will suffer less in the end. I would encourage you to trust yourself and your instincts and to take care of yourself. At the same time, taking care of ourselves ultimately includes not hanging on to grievances, so that we can move forward in our lives. We can make boundaries with compassion in our heart, both for ourselves and those with whom we need to make a boundary. I wish you all the best.
My deep gratitude to you Fleet… for making the time to personally respond to me… and doing so even after the webinar had ended. Your thoughts on the matter are profoundly helpful, truly. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your gifts with the world. I look forward to reading your upcoming book as well on “Radical Accountability” as it sounds as if you will be offering many more nuggets of wisdom and practices that will be even more helpful and complimentary towards my intention to cultivate “skills of well-being” and “a life well lived”. Namaste’…
Thanks Fleet, I learned this tool from you long ago and it´s been very helpful both personally and with myclients as a coach. Always grateful, hope to meet you again soon!
I got what Fleet suggested about looking at myself, in my situation there was actual violence in the past with my ex and there are times I feel ill will towards him and can’t wish him loving kindness and compassion, nor can i wish him well. The last exchange I had with him, I felt so angry and i got to a space of swearing at him and yelling at him. i didn’t but I vented to my support network and felt much better after saying what to them what I had wanted to say to him. Would this be considered a part of the triangle?
You can honor you own experience. Expressing you anger in a support group is a great strategy. Eventually, you may be able to see your ex’s suffering and humanity and have a change of heart, even while keeping strong boundaries. You cannot force that though. Just keep good boundaries, honor your own feelings, get the support you need, and stay open. Wishing you the very best.
I get badly triggered by fear of rejection – simple breathing doesn’t help. And feeling fully is very difficult ( get teary, shaky etc) Any other practical advice?
Practicing mindfulness regularly and practicing various self-regulation and state-shifting techniques and improve our overall emotional balance and resilience, creating real change at a neurobiological level. Takes practice, but it works.
Just want to thank you for this most insightful information. I found it extremely helpful and am looking forward to recognizing and using these tips in my daily life and relationships with myself and others.
How do you deal with sadness and depression- a kind up giving up or resignation to the drama versus feeling it and owning it and even recognizing it as a trigger?
Hi Deb,
I think it is a matter of intention and practice. Every time we are willing to feel what arises, recognize the process of being triggered and owning our part in that, we become more and more familiar with the trigger and thus more able to manage and eventually heal the trigger in ourselves. It’s challenging work, but it is the work of personal freedom, autonomy and ultimately liberation.
My boyfriend is very negative and a recovering alcoholic. What do I do when gets negative?
The best thing is to not respond with negativity. You may be able to help him shift by listening and providing empathy. Do not tolerate anything abusive though. You need to have strong boundaries. If you boyfriend is abusive with you, get out and seek help. You might also want to explore an Al-Anon group for support.
When someone tries to place us in the villain role (making us responsible for their feelings) what words can we use to show empathy and understanding….yet be able to empower the other person or at least put the responsibility back on them?
Remembering the prayer of Serenity, May God give me the strength & courage to change the things we can change, & accept the things we cannot change, & the wisdom to know the difference. I think the only things that we can change are how we react to our sensory experience, emotions & thoughts;
Ah… the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer. Well said, William.
How can these understandings be implemented in Dharma communities when there is an actual abuse of power (psychological, financial or sexual), and there is a group mindset that either “rescues” the “perpetrator” by supporting or denying their behavior, or the community disbands as a form of extreme boundary-making? Is there any preemptive strategy?
I am a massage therapist who deals with people everyday one on one and they often bring they’re “drama” into their session, leaving me to feel like I need to start a second course of study to deal with the therapy needed. What are some good ways to create boundaries and avoid taking on these drama energies ourselves?
Anyone who works with others in the way you do with a lot of exposure to drama and trauma needs to take really good care of themselves. So self-care of body, mind, heart and spirit is really important for you. Also, when with clients if you can make an effort to be fully present and fully embodied the drama or trauma people are sharing will be less likely to stick… it just moves through you or is burned up on the spot through the power of embodied presence.
How do you avoid going through the same circular disagreements like with a spouse. Back and forth round and round. Drama with just two people not three.
I come from an abusive family and have been working on anger issues for years. What would you suggest that I do to have healthier perceptions instead of feeling my needs threatened, although sometimes I do feel my some of my needs are genuinely unmet and I clearly see that I have to use my voice, speak from the heart and set boundaries. i realize I need to use “I” statements instead of blaming..
How can one who suffered abuse from a parent for a long period of time (childhood to early adulthood) get off the drama triangle?
I would encourage you to seek counseling or therapy around how to have good boundaries with your parents and to do your own healing work.
Good point. Having survived early hood trauma I can see where I re-enact dramas of the sake of drama itself. I liked the definition you used for drama “feeling uncomfortable …”. Drama can be very subtle and not overtly dramatic. But there may be circumstances that are important to feel uncomfortable about ( like social injustice) that’s not about me…
Any suggestions for a litmus test for is this my monkey or a baboon needing direction ?
HI Alex,
Whether we are dealing with our own suffering or feeling into the injustices in the world around us clarity is important. It is very easy to project our own un-healed trauma, our own dramas, and the unfulfilled needs or our childhood on to external situations and social justice issues. I believe we can be more effective activists for social justice when commit to doing our own healing work, when we own our own unresolved issues and parse apart the sadness and anger we feel about injustices we perceive in the world around us, including those that impact us directly, and the sadness and anger we still have about our childhood or traumatic incidents we have experienced. It’s not that that two are unrelated, it is just helpful to have greater clarity about where our feelings are arising from and especially to do our own healing work so we can look at the world with fresh eyes and see clearly how to be of most benefit.
Thank you so much for taking the time for the reply. Spot on! Indeed, at 61 years of age and after a lot of therapy, I am still making connections between my current behaviors/ situations and past circumstances dramatic and/or traumatic. The practice of Samatha Vipassana is immensely helpful. It really is so much better to use that old stuff as ground for sensitivity and compassion than as a stage to re-enact patterns that are a cry for help. Wish I could take the online course, but I have to focus on upcoming guide training. I am sharing the heck out of the video. Keep up the good and great work!
Hi! Excellent talk!!! I recently went to a work meeting where the team had to take a vote to support a female colleague. The discussion turned to what I perceived as an injustice since some senior members were discussing to give her their support or not because she is pregnant. I got really angry and felt frustrated because I wanted to explain to them why I considered that was an injustice, but I just could not. The meeting was postponed to keep the discussion next week.
Any suggestion on how to keep calm and make my case…it really makes me angry!!!
First of all, I would examine how much of your anger is about the situation at hand and how much is old anger being triggered from your past. Nothing wrong with the anger from the past; but it is helpful to have clarity about that. Then we your group revisits the conversation, you might inquire as to whether people upon reflection feel the issue of pregnancy is really what the decision should be based on. If you can present that as a genuine inquiry without blaming people and without a lot of anger charge, then people may be willing to explore different ways of seeing and understanding the situation. If that is still not getting through, you may take a more “challenge” approach; however, the skill is to be able to challenge others (or ourselves) without “persecuting,” without making others our ourselves wrong. Becoming a skillful challenger is a very high level and much needed skill, that we explore in the Radical Responsibility course.
Sometimes when I use the language of feelings, it shuts down my partner who is uncomfortable discussing his emotions. The language really turns him off. Any suggestions?
Try talking about what he’s needing, or inquire as to what he needs or wants. What is he looking for or longing for. How would he like things to be.
Setting boundaries…really appreciate this. What should be the response when either the three participants say that “boundaries” are just pushing the issue aside. Not engaging, “there is power in silence”
Natalie from NJ. All important and model totally applicable. But what does one do on a DAILY basis to soldify and make these practices more automatic. It is just too easy to get REACTIVATED!
Practice, practice, practice. It is very helpful to be very curious about our own Drama Hooks, to get to know them very well, so we can avoid ‘biting the hook.”
Can you briefly comment on repeative patterns of behavior? For example, if I am expecting love and acknowledgement from distant unavailable people, am I assuming the victim role?
wmwallin45@sbcglobal.net
How do we know when to engage with someone else in the drama triangle versus recognizing it as our own stuff?
Can you say a little bit more about how a person can play two roles in the triangle such as victim/persecutor and have the rescuer as someone outside? Do you have avingette for that? Everyone loves vignettes! 🙂
Do you have suggestions for ways to break out of reactivity in the heat of a drama triangle in addition to straw breathing ?
hello
from New Zealand, di
vido stream in the middle of a sentence?
Hi Fleet! It’s Alex G. from New Haven Shambhala Center. Thanks for a little grounding. I didn’t realize I was in frayed victum state thinking the persecuter— life — was pulling my strings and feeling frazzled. The truth being, it is my tendency to over commit. Why do I over commit? To avoid being still and focusing on my own stuff. Lol. As Chögyam Trungpa says salvation means saving my self from myself. 10, 9, 8, 3, 2, 1 ….
Hello- watching from Oklahoma ~Elisha
Hello, I am logging in from Ontario, Canada. I would like some practical suggestions on detaching from an ex that drives me absolutely nuts on certain occasions, him and I share a child and no contact is not an option. He does things that are so inconsiderate and unkind.
thank you
Hi Everyone, Anne from the mountains of Colorado. Glad to be here!
I’m not seeing or hearing video either….has it started? Thanks:)
Hi, we have started. Are you able to see/hear? If not, can you email community@theawakenetwork.com?
are we starting a bit late?
Hi, are you able to view it now? If not, please reach out to community@theawakenetwork.com
I came online at 5:58 PM MT and so far I am not getting the video call. Is there a delay..??
Hi, are you able to view it now? If not, please reach out to community@theawakenetwork.com
Try refreshing the page.
Melanie Leahy I have trouble with personal relationships with men. There is a definite pattern and has been all my life. I am searching for he!p.
Hello from NM. My compassionate heart seems to feel broken after witnessing so much oppression and repression towards Catalan people; especially the families of political prisioners. Sometimes it is hard to be fully present in my work as a clinical therapist
Hi, listening from Connecticut!
Mark Bauman from Sebastopol, CA..
so, how can drama in a relationship, which just might be there to start with, be turned to advantage , creating openings between people
Hi I am Nelda Mier, glad to watch the presentation.
Wonderful opportunity. I am joining from Lunenburg Nova Scotia
Hi, Leon here watching from Alberta, Canada
Hello
Terry, Loveland, CO
Antonia from Syracuse ny
Hey, there! I’m a single mom in Wisconsin and have been working on changing ancient conditioning in relationships for the last three years. Fleet Maul was here a couple of years ago for a retreat and my friends raved about it.
Greetings to Fleet and to All, I am looking forward to refreshing my mind through the insights of the Drama Triangle. I took the Radical Responsibility course last year, and it has helped me in countless situations to consider my own part in the dramas of my life, and what ‘role’ I am unconsciously playing. Bringing these awarenesses to consciousness seems to be the key to transforming them. See you in a few minutes,,,
As a Shambhala meditation instructor and senior, I want to be able to help others in any way that might help. Have also experienced social ostricism from a local Shambhala Center 5 min. from my house and chose to join a larger urban group 500 miles away. In an attempt to build bridges with local, I am eager to view strategies and ways of reaching out as much as I can.
5pm and video not starting
Alan of Montreal
Hello…I’m an LPCC in Boulder, CO (collecting my hours for license) and I will be working with a male with anger issues. Any suggestions for working this type of client?
I have a similar issue! Re working with people who are very angry, anxious, or with borderline personality.
Hello Kimber and Ron from Fort Worth Texas, glad to be with everyone.
I’m a structural engineer in Boulder Colorado and am interested in how to deal with drama generally, with teenage kids and other people in my life.
I’m Karen from Indianapolis…heard of this opportunity thru Shambhala. Sometimes when I’m fostering or find myself entangled in drama I have a sense I am pretending. Wondering how to lose my distorted lens on these relational encounters for something truer and more efficacious
Hello, We are couple in a new relationship looking to deepen and strengthen our relationship with mindful communication.
I’m a newly licensed Marriage and Family Therapist trying to learn all I can.
Hi
I had a stroke 22 years ago
I have expressive aphasia ‼️
Hi from Ecuador! I want to engage in and converse about political subjects mindfully, especially in social media. Specifically, I don’t want to create undue negativity; there’s quite enough of that already.
I wanna receive the link to acces the video recording
Hi,I could see and I like to receive the link to acces the video recording
Thank’s
CEUs??????
Hi. CEUs are Continuing Education Credits for professionals.
Hi, I’m based in UK, so the live Q&A session happens at midnight – I wonder, would it available at later time in any forms of media? 🙂 Thanks – YK
If you are not able to make it live, a link to access the video recording will be sent to you
Will the link be sent to all that registered? I can’t watch the whole thing
Hi, the video is not showing in Mountain Daylight timezone…?
It will show at 6 pm MT
I’m an estranged grandma & wonder if this may be able to help our family situation. There is no contact at the moment & I have no idea if that will ever change. Thanks!